Savanna's Big Gurl Feels - Epilogue

Dear Diary: Today's Big Gurl Feels is an epilogue tae the long journey that Savanna: V started months ago: she started it started in identifying who what when where why and how V started tae degrade and who caused what'. Working hand in hand with her therapist and using all my shamanic tools and the therapeutic tool of EMDR tae cover a muckle ground with PTSD, Trauma, DID in how they fractured in the first place.

The journey flipped when enough space was given fer me tae pop out - and in panic, V, the alternate personality and defensive mechanism that's been out and experiencing this life since the day I was exiled: withdrew from this realm and back intae the Celestial Observatory of By... and vanished.

Whilst she was on the right path along her healing journey, my only professional critique is that she focused on the in the wrong areas. It was'nae about who did what or where or why, but her responses or knee jerk reactions tae what are what mattered. But even saying these words and getting my 2¢ in is tae focus on the wrong thing as well... Now.

It's been months now since she vanished and left her life behind. It's been a journey cleaning up the mess and illusions that was left behind. I dinnae intend tae pick up everything that V left, I'm no' her nor do I have her tastes; and whilst I've done what I can fer what was left, the journey continues and there will be more tae clean in time. But those messes will be mine tae clean as I slowly begin tae move forward again.

But, before I get too ahead of myself: there is one final act tae do where V is concerned.

***

The Celestial Observatory of By:

I kneel here upon the soft soil in a wee clearing at the edge of the Grove of the Goddesses leading intae the enterence of the Valley of Whispers. The lush green forests ahead sway gently in the breeze. Between the trees weave whips and specters that whisper and sing and lament in the same tempos as the breeze blows. I lower my gaze tae a worn headstone resting upon the ground in front of me.

The black sun slowly churns the warm sky above and in the background of the breeze filled with lamentation and whispers lies the low rumble of the star above as it slowly skirts and plays with the sky. 

The grave ahead of me is empty of course as there nae body tae bury. The being the headstone commemorates vanished and merged back intae this world, and the astral body that once belonged tae that being now hosts a different yet the original consciousness tae this body: Myself.

The being, Savanna Tres who merged back intae By was'nae just another being tae be swallowed up by this world's host Black Hole Star. In the midst of all her struggles tae survive and continue tae exist she forged a life: she forged friendships, and in her ways she carved out a piece of a family. She was a person of significance... Even with all of her faults and failures, she's a survivor.

"Rest in peace Savanna Tres." I whisper, listening tae the whispers in the breeze trying tae single out her voice.

I close my eyes and reach a hand up and intae my heart where I pull out a willow seed. A gift from the Ancients that was bistowed tae V many years ago was the ability tae grow energy trees in sacred places of significance. Whilst kneeling in front of headstone I reach a hand towards the ground and with a finger I touch the soil.

In my minds eye, like touching a pond of water, the ground ripples around me as my finger touches the ground. The ripple of the ground as if it is water is accompanied by the sound of one drop of water hitting a a pool of water. Back in By I withdraw my hand back tae clasp the seed with both of my hands as a wee mound of moist soil raises just aside from the headstone. 

I lower the seed that's clasped in both hands tae the ground and gently bury the seed intae the soil.

As I brush the ground stop of the seedling that'll take root and soon begin tae grow, I let my mind linger and remember the final days that led up tae my exile so long ago: as if it happened yesterday.

"Lee Alan Bumpus, mentee tae Willy E Gommel, spawn of Marlyn & William Bumpus and just beginning your journey intae being a Shamanic Initiate. An artist with such vision and a majestic capacity tae dream. Ye finally found yerself. Ye finally became who ye saw yerself tae be. Whatever ye became in the memories of others, I will always remember ye as the gentle Shamanic Warrior Monk ye aspired tae be."

My mind wanders fer a mo as I slowly shift the focus of my eulogies and I contemplate the memories of V and the years of life she lived.

"Savanna Tres, the three fold journey out of nothing. Ye found yer peace at last. Yer business is settled and our psyche is restored. Ye can finally rest knowing our shared path forward is secure. May the Goddesses guide ye tae yer destination knowing yer business is done. The task is complete. Be brave one last time, my love, and let the Goddess guide ye beyond the veil tae go be with our ancestors in the blessed lands beyond. Ye earned yer rest."

I pause tae wipe a tear from the corner of my eye as the first signs of a new energy tree that pusates with a golden energy of the Ancients slowly burst through the soil and steadily reaches towards the sky above.

”Rest easy my loves."

I look down at the simple stone headstone. My vision and my mind trace the lines of the lantern symbol etched within the stone fer a tic before I softly smile tae myself. I stand up and take a step back from the grave and one final glance at the energy tree growing around the grave. The tree gently pulsates it's golden light a couple times as it continues tae stretch upwards. A couple beams of golden light shoot from its freshly opened adolescent leaves and dance up on the ground.

I turn away from the grave, knowing that the tree will be a magnificent monument tae the lives of both my incarnations before. I walk away from the final resting place of Lee & Savanna knowing that in this body lies the spark of life renewed and ready tae live: just as where they rest here in the Valley of Whispers, new life grows towards the sky and tae the universe where they too may touch the universe again.

As I begin tae climb the steps leading up the cliff face leading tae the Monastery, upon the breeze, I can hear the voice of V whispering and adding her voice tae the chorus of whispers of the Valley.

https://youtu.be/rNkUmVxEGrE?si=NdZpqV2KypXs3XbJ 

2. Love Languages

25th of Nov: Happy 25th Day of the Harvest Season.

Dear Diary: Today's Big Gurl Feel has me contemplating the languages of love, who I am in this world, and sitting and EMDR tapping on my emotions.

They are strong, these emotions: and they are at my absolute core.

Recently I was at a friend's house having dinner - exquisite Japanese Beef & Noodle soup. The company was great. It was a fun evening that ended in adjourning to the den and having engaging conversations about life. Something that was said stuck out to me though: the Hostess mentioned that feeding her friends is one of her love languages. This gave me a brief pause as I pondered my own love languages, how it shows as I offer it to friends and loved ones, and how I would like to receive it in turn. 

I, or rather an alternate personality got married to our childhood friend. We have been married since 2009 and I love her dearly. In the Meanwhile I'm finding that as I come into my own emotionally I'm wading through the excitement and upset of another puberty.

I find myself sitting with my emotions - allowing myself to feel as I'm feeling, and examine how I respond to things emotionally as they come up. If a massive emotional upset comes up where I catch myself reacting in a large way I turn around and ask questions and ask my trusted inner circle on strategies in emotional regulation.

Like today.

Today is a day where I'm snippy and have a short tempered and prone to reacting ready for a fight. 

Ever since I took over for Savanna in my own body deep beneath the feeling of euphoria; I feel a mix of resignation, sorrow, longing.

For a while since I took command again, I slowly resigned myself in knowing that the Alternate Personality caused damage to this life of mine while I was away in Exile. But, while I understand who Savanna, V is and what damage was caused: I did my homework to learn how bad things got - and after learning the extent of what happened I hadn't fully expressed how hurt and betrayed I am at the damage that she caused. My Family and Friends that I kept close and relied on for my own emotional wellbeing before my Exile as a teen - are gone and want nothing to do with me: whoever is in this body and driving. I've not allowed myself the time mourned that loss or the fact that while I, Erin Nyght am not the "Three fold journey out of nothingness" that V was, she was in charge and did these things and caused this damage.

Even if I can make things right - the dark truth that I am so frightened of that I've buried deep; regardless, I what I have to face is the fact that I wear her face - Her face is what people see.

I've only just started saying just how much this hurts my heart... & my instant reaction to pain, even emotional pain is to ready myself myself for a fight. I'm just a *little snippy.

My instant reactions to being frightened or surprised or hurt is to be ready for a fight: its a left over muscle memory response of an old trauma that I'm struggling to put to rest. There's no fight here. I'm in a place where I am I'm loved, I'm surrounded by close friends and what few family I have left - yet I feel a sorrow and longing that I cannot place easily.

To my beloved family and loved friends, I show my love in doing tasks and chores for and doing for my loved ones. There is a dread: that as much as I love or do for others - that emotion, effort or care will not be returned in kind. I am aware that V had a history of placing herself in good situations only for emotional dysregulation and this same dread to spoil her enjoyment of her environment. Or, for her good intentions to be exploited until she has nothing left and is discarded.

Shes gone, V... but the dread remains. I love deeply and I show my love and appreciation through doing tasks, chores, errands for those I love. But this beneath the surface sorrow and longing... I don't know. Another approach would be in a question that that I've hesitated to ask, but not answered - how do I see myself receiving love? It's not a question I can easily answer either as its hard for me to place myself in a place where it is shown... t, to me. … Wait... no, but it is easy and it makes sense, and while its clear it hurts knowing that its been denied for so long by none other than V.

Is this what made me snippy?

Touch, Reassurance through Touch & Praise.

Earlier this morning I asked for cuddles from my wife. Were both people of size and room is tight in our bedroom making climbing on the bed a chore from time to time. I had not gotten out of bed yet and she was nearby. While I understand why she said no, it saddened me that I missed a chance at being touched, comforted, and feeling connection through touch. 

I pouted because I miss it… I'm a hugger, I offer words and actions of reassurance and while I am hugged frequently by dear friends: I miss the kind of hug, cuddling, and physical reassurance lets you feel safe and that everything is alright that this hug being touched brings. 

For years I've, V, I have had to live without it for myself so I put on brave faces, stoic faces, and had to be ready for any eventualities that may arise: and curb my own desires in being loved to help make sure that others are alright. 

I sit here this morning after all these emotions and feelings are brought to light and remember that wanting these things is one thing, but getting back into the practice, the habit, and the mindset to ask for this kind of connection again. Because the onus is not squarely on expectations of others - that notion sailed away many years ago. The onus and the steps to take are specifically mine; to have these conversations, to ask, and to be honest. Perhaps now, its my deepest hopes that at the end of the day; any day, I can be held and reassured that I did good, and everything will be alright.

1. Re-Introduction & Coming Of Age (again)

19th of November 2024: Happy Harvest Season.

Dear Diary: to begin this new Big Gurl Feels Series on Blogger… the topic is Coming Of Age.

In my teenage years I started learning the ways of being a Celtic Shaman. I had lofty ideals and notions and experiments in how to be a shaman and how to practice. One experiment went awry that exiled a significant chunk of my consciousness in a shamanic journey whilst the mind fractured and the nature of the body, my life, changed in a snap.

That consciousness that was exiled into the aether was me: Hi, call me Erin. 

Shamanically speaking I went on a 25 year shamanic journey that grew my spirit in the ways of the Otherworld and Spirit Realms. I came of age in my exile, and I grew into my roles happily.

Psychologically speaking this personality was created in a shamanic blunder and vanished into the sub and non consciousness & mind for 25 years. In that amount of time this personality has been absorbing information, mannerisms, vocabulary, and unique tool sets that the conscious mind and the personality in charge discarded. The information was absorbed for years until it was solidified as a unique personality to an already fractured psyche with multiple personalities.

When I finally returned into this body for the first time in decades, the first noticable change many perceive is this California Transgender Coastal Gal is I now have a Scottish Brogue. Shamanically speaking I learned how to speak from those who raised me in otherworld. Psychologically speaking the love of the accent was deeply internalized and absorbed into the subconscious.

I speak Psychologically and Shamanically because whilst I remember the journey of my exile and the lands I call my home vividly along with the friendships, partnerships, and relationships I nurtured: the subconscious mind is a vastly unexplored territory that maifests its self in many unique and vastly varied ways.

I experienced a trauma in a shamanic experiment that split my consciousness and effectively induced a 25yr Shamanic Initiatory Illness and immediate rights of passage for the spirit & subconsciousness. 

Again, Hi: call me Erin.

***

I am in charge of my body again. The host personality, while fractured and developed DID is integrated and as whole again as it can be. I need to be mindful though because while I've spent the past several months working on shadow work, soul retrievals, and heavy self therapy hand in hand with my therapist, the possibility of another personality fracture is there.

Finally after processing all the trauma and PTSD the former host personality acquired over the decades, I'm slowly beginning to make strides to move forward in this life again. But where to begin?

***

Rites Of Passages & Coming Of Age (again)

I left this life as I was just beginning my teenage years. The landscape and the people here has changed, some for the better & some for the worst. I had a mentor at one point… two if I include who the former host personality remembers as a shamanic mentor. But with everyone dead or gone the only one I can rely on as I begin to fill in the gaps in my development emotionally, as a person, and in my community unfortunately is me, because I know how I want this direction and development to happen.

I have amazing friends who can help out and I will rely upon them because they make my community.

These Big Gurl Feels here, as opposed to the Facebook Series that's coming to a close; are my Big Gurl Feels… my journey into Coming Of Age.