2. Love Languages

25th of Nov: Happy 25th Day of the Harvest Season.

Dear Diary: Today's Big Gurl Feel has me contemplating the languages of love, who I am in this world, and sitting and EMDR tapping on my emotions.

They are strong, these emotions: and they are at my absolute core.

Recently I was at a friend's house having dinner - exquisite Japanese Beef & Noodle soup. The company was great. It was a fun evening that ended in adjourning to the den and having engaging conversations about life. Something that was said stuck out to me though: the Hostess mentioned that feeding her friends is one of her love languages. This gave me a brief pause as I pondered my own love languages, how it shows as I offer it to friends and loved ones, and how I would like to receive it in turn. 

I, or rather an alternate personality got married to our childhood friend. We have been married since 2009 and I love her dearly. In the Meanwhile I'm finding that as I come into my own emotionally I'm wading through the excitement and upset of another puberty.

I find myself sitting with my emotions - allowing myself to feel as I'm feeling, and examine how I respond to things emotionally as they come up. If a massive emotional upset comes up where I catch myself reacting in a large way I turn around and ask questions and ask my trusted inner circle on strategies in emotional regulation.

Like today.

Today is a day where I'm snippy and have a short tempered and prone to reacting ready for a fight. 

Ever since I took over for Savanna in my own body deep beneath the feeling of euphoria; I feel a mix of resignation, sorrow, longing.

For a while since I took command again, I slowly resigned myself in knowing that the Alternate Personality caused damage to this life of mine while I was away in Exile. But, while I understand who Savanna, V is and what damage was caused: I did my homework to learn how bad things got - and after learning the extent of what happened I hadn't fully expressed how hurt and betrayed I am at the damage that she caused. My Family and Friends that I kept close and relied on for my own emotional wellbeing before my Exile as a teen - are gone and want nothing to do with me: whoever is in this body and driving. I've not allowed myself the time mourned that loss or the fact that while I, Erin Nyght am not the "Three fold journey out of nothingness" that V was, she was in charge and did these things and caused this damage.

Even if I can make things right - the dark truth that I am so frightened of that I've buried deep; regardless, I what I have to face is the fact that I wear her face - Her face is what people see.

I've only just started saying just how much this hurts my heart... & my instant reaction to pain, even emotional pain is to ready myself myself for a fight. I'm just a *little snippy.

My instant reactions to being frightened or surprised or hurt is to be ready for a fight: its a left over muscle memory response of an old trauma that I'm struggling to put to rest. There's no fight here. I'm in a place where I am I'm loved, I'm surrounded by close friends and what few family I have left - yet I feel a sorrow and longing that I cannot place easily.

To my beloved family and loved friends, I show my love in doing tasks and chores for and doing for my loved ones. There is a dread: that as much as I love or do for others - that emotion, effort or care will not be returned in kind. I am aware that V had a history of placing herself in good situations only for emotional dysregulation and this same dread to spoil her enjoyment of her environment. Or, for her good intentions to be exploited until she has nothing left and is discarded.

Shes gone, V... but the dread remains. I love deeply and I show my love and appreciation through doing tasks, chores, errands for those I love. But this beneath the surface sorrow and longing... I don't know. Another approach would be in a question that that I've hesitated to ask, but not answered - how do I see myself receiving love? It's not a question I can easily answer either as its hard for me to place myself in a place where it is shown... t, to me. … Wait... no, but it is easy and it makes sense, and while its clear it hurts knowing that its been denied for so long by none other than V.

Is this what made me snippy?

Touch, Reassurance through Touch & Praise.

Earlier this morning I asked for cuddles from my wife. Were both people of size and room is tight in our bedroom making climbing on the bed a chore from time to time. I had not gotten out of bed yet and she was nearby. While I understand why she said no, it saddened me that I missed a chance at being touched, comforted, and feeling connection through touch. 

I pouted because I miss it… I'm a hugger, I offer words and actions of reassurance and while I am hugged frequently by dear friends: I miss the kind of hug, cuddling, and physical reassurance lets you feel safe and that everything is alright that this hug being touched brings. 

For years I've, V, I have had to live without it for myself so I put on brave faces, stoic faces, and had to be ready for any eventualities that may arise: and curb my own desires in being loved to help make sure that others are alright. 

I sit here this morning after all these emotions and feelings are brought to light and remember that wanting these things is one thing, but getting back into the practice, the habit, and the mindset to ask for this kind of connection again. Because the onus is not squarely on expectations of others - that notion sailed away many years ago. The onus and the steps to take are specifically mine; to have these conversations, to ask, and to be honest. Perhaps now, its my deepest hopes that at the end of the day; any day, I can be held and reassured that I did good, and everything will be alright.