4. A Purge

7th of Dec. Happy 7th day of the Winter Season.

Dear Diary: The Big Gurl Feels of the day is... in these days that follow laying my predecessors in this body to rest, and feeling all the wondrous feels in the full spectrum of emotions, I find myself not just slogging through the few lingering knee jerk reactions of my predecessors but also I notice that am rejecting some of the the connections and parts of their lives. 

Much like a body slowly beats an illness and then purges the dead cells & bacteria affected out of the body: the mind has a similar process for unused neural pathways.

Or another more apt analogy - In effect it's like going through the “stuff” that the beloved dead possessed, and purging all of it from your home whilst holding onto a few memorial keepsakes. It's the same process. Only; they were me & I am them.

Slowly I am coming to the realization that while I am them - without the traumas and excessive baggage: whomever they became or whatever they did I reject 

It really hit home that I had started this process before the old Big Gurl Feels series had ended. That I was beginning to slowly purge my predecessors out before I had laid them to rest. I was looking for my water in the hydro flask and as I reached for it I suddenly didn't want it. I was thirsty, but the fact that the flask belonged to my predecessor in this body soured wanting water from THAT hydro flask. Already I have been saying that while picking up the mess that was made in this life they left behind ill pick up some of the messes whilst dismissing others.

Like the damage they did to my family and then did more to try to reconnect in a toxic and unhealthy way.

Now: I'm ready to take command of my life again! I have taken command again. While I'm purging them from my life and my being, in my mind I have my own keepsakes of my dearly beloved dead.

They sought out and created a family and a life. The Big Gurl Feels series was ongoing and I did what I could to keep everyone that is considered a chosen family member in the loop; I've done what I can to describe to this family what's happened and what's changed. The these people know what DID is like as several of us have it. Only a few of them knows what damage it can cause. What is a pain to understand is while they accept that I am still their beloved auntie, in many ways the beloved auntie they knew and loved is gone. Over time in talking with the chosen family my predecessor in this body had: many have drifted away. In others, the nature of the friendship is shifting to accommodate the change.

I am grateful for this.

Because time heals all wounds. In time, with the emotional memories of my predecessors linger on as a distant echo and whisper, it's what I have.

It hurts, it sucks. But I keep moving forward.

I like to think of this as cleaning out the old so the new can take root and thrive.