4. A Purge

7th of Dec. Happy 7th day of the Winter Season.

Dear Diary: The Big Gurl Feels of the day is... in these days that follow laying my predecessors in this body to rest, and feeling all the wondrous feels in the full spectrum of emotions, I find myself not just slogging through the few lingering knee jerk reactions of my predecessors but also I notice that am rejecting some of the the connections and parts of their lives. 

Much like a body slowly beats an illness and then purges the dead cells & bacteria affected out of the body: the mind has a similar process for unused neural pathways.

Or another more apt analogy - In effect it's like going through the “stuff” that the beloved dead possessed, and purging all of it from your home whilst holding onto a few memorial keepsakes. It's the same process. Only; they were me & I am them.

Slowly I am coming to the realization that while I am them - without the traumas and excessive baggage: whomever they became or whatever they did I reject 

It really hit home that I had started this process before the old Big Gurl Feels series had ended. That I was beginning to slowly purge my predecessors out before I had laid them to rest. I was looking for my water in the hydro flask and as I reached for it I suddenly didn't want it. I was thirsty, but the fact that the flask belonged to my predecessor in this body soured wanting water from THAT hydro flask. Already I have been saying that while picking up the mess that was made in this life they left behind ill pick up some of the messes whilst dismissing others.

Like the damage they did to my family and then did more to try to reconnect in a toxic and unhealthy way.

Now: I'm ready to take command of my life again! I have taken command again. While I'm purging them from my life and my being, in my mind I have my own keepsakes of my dearly beloved dead.

They sought out and created a family and a life. The Big Gurl Feels series was ongoing and I did what I could to keep everyone that is considered a chosen family member in the loop; I've done what I can to describe to this family what's happened and what's changed. The these people know what DID is like as several of us have it. Only a few of them knows what damage it can cause. What is a pain to understand is while they accept that I am still their beloved auntie, in many ways the beloved auntie they knew and loved is gone. Over time in talking with the chosen family my predecessor in this body had: many have drifted away. In others, the nature of the friendship is shifting to accommodate the change.

I am grateful for this.

Because time heals all wounds. In time, with the emotional memories of my predecessors linger on as a distant echo and whisper, it's what I have.

It hurts, it sucks. But I keep moving forward.

I like to think of this as cleaning out the old so the new can take root and thrive.

3. Who I am

28th of November, Happy Thanksgiving on this 28th day of the Harvest Season!

Dear Diary, today's Big Gurl Feels I'm contemplating the life this body has lived and the choices my predecessor made that formed this it & the muscle memories that I have. It's quite nice being back in this life and in my body again - I like it and the journey is starting off quite well.

'I remember as a young child laying under a tall eucalyptus tree in a field just outside a friend's house in the early summer light. A blank sketch pad and a pencil lay on the ground next to me. I wear an old 1990a style pair of headphones connected to a diskman playing a collection of peaceful melodies, and contrasted with chaotic electronic beats. Right now I'm listening to a peaceful melody. I lay there breathing in the comfort and peace of the warm afternoon air. The grass has turned golden brown by now, and I note how if I look at the grass in the field in just the right way it looked like an ocean of bright shimmering gold.'

I sit back up where I am, picking up the pencil and sketchbook, mindlessly turn the diskman to one of my favorite tracks and begin to sketch the field as I see it before me & imagining, internalizing, and feeling the peace of the sound of grass swaying in a gentle breeze. I begin to draw.'

So much time was lost.

So much peace of mind was lost.

I sit here in another field with a full heart filled with love and grace and joy. It's also heavy with the whispers and the traces of what came before in all she did. While I still take the time to sit and feel that heaviness in its facets that have not entirely diminished. I prefer to think of these echos as being necessary to feel the joys and happiness of today. The echos are bittersweet. Just as the day I no longer need their reminder and move on in my established serenity and grace will also be bittersweet - as with all lessons learned.

In learning the lessons that this body went through I learned a great deal about who my predecessor became and who she left as.

Today is a day of thankfulness and there is much to be thankful for: for the lessons of my predecessor, to my wife, to my friends, to my family. Without them and their love I would not be anywhere close to who I am today. Today am thankful.

I sit here in another field of golden grass that shimmers golden in the morning light of dawn on Thanksgiving. Instead of sitting in the grass, I'm sitting on a couch in the den of my home in a nook overlooking the fields and trees in this early light. The bone-chill to the air is bitter cold but warming up slowly as the Lady Bride, The Sun, brings the warmth of the day. The sketch pad of the day is this blog and all other forms of creation I use. Even after all these years I can hear in my mind the sound of the blades of grass gently swaying in the breeze, and I can feel the elation of joy of a leaf on a tree upon feeling the first glimpse of light of day.

I sit here watching the sunrise and the play of colors upon the land, the chill is not as bad now. Today is a new day of excitement, and opportunity for happiness unbound and joy.

Who am I? 

The sun rises just a little higher in the sky as the the bitter chill vanished and the day warms up.