1. Re-Introduction & Coming Of Age (again)

19th of November 2024: Happy Harvest Season.

Dear Diary: to begin this new Big Gurl Feels Series on Blogger… the topic is Coming Of Age.

In my teenage years I started learning the ways of being a Celtic Shaman. I had lofty ideals and notions and experiments in how to be a shaman and how to practice. One experiment went awry that exiled a significant chunk of my consciousness in a shamanic journey whilst the mind fractured and the nature of the body, my life, changed in a snap.

That consciousness that was exiled into the aether was me: Hi, call me Erin. 

Shamanically speaking I went on a 25 year shamanic journey that grew my spirit in the ways of the Otherworld and Spirit Realms. I came of age in my exile, and I grew into my roles happily.

Psychologically speaking this personality was created in a shamanic blunder and vanished into the sub and non consciousness & mind for 25 years. In that amount of time this personality has been absorbing information, mannerisms, vocabulary, and unique tool sets that the conscious mind and the personality in charge discarded. The information was absorbed for years until it was solidified as a unique personality to an already fractured psyche with multiple personalities.

When I finally returned into this body for the first time in decades, the first noticable change many perceive is this California Transgender Coastal Gal is I now have a Scottish Brogue. Shamanically speaking I learned how to speak from those who raised me in otherworld. Psychologically speaking the love of the accent was deeply internalized and absorbed into the subconscious.

I speak Psychologically and Shamanically because whilst I remember the journey of my exile and the lands I call my home vividly along with the friendships, partnerships, and relationships I nurtured: the subconscious mind is a vastly unexplored territory that maifests its self in many unique and vastly varied ways.

I experienced a trauma in a shamanic experiment that split my consciousness and effectively induced a 25yr Shamanic Initiatory Illness and immediate rights of passage for the spirit & subconsciousness. 

Again, Hi: call me Erin.

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I am in charge of my body again. The host personality, while fractured and developed DID is integrated and as whole again as it can be. I need to be mindful though because while I've spent the past several months working on shadow work, soul retrievals, and heavy self therapy hand in hand with my therapist, the possibility of another personality fracture is there.

Finally after processing all the trauma and PTSD the former host personality acquired over the decades, I'm slowly beginning to make strides to move forward in this life again. But where to begin?

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Rites Of Passages & Coming Of Age (again)

I left this life as I was just beginning my teenage years. The landscape and the people here has changed, some for the better & some for the worst. I had a mentor at one point… two if I include who the former host personality remembers as a shamanic mentor. But with everyone dead or gone the only one I can rely on as I begin to fill in the gaps in my development emotionally, as a person, and in my community unfortunately is me, because I know how I want this direction and development to happen.

I have amazing friends who can help out and I will rely upon them because they make my community.

These Big Gurl Feels here, as opposed to the Facebook Series that's coming to a close; are my Big Gurl Feels… my journey into Coming Of Age.